Hey guys, I have decided to start taking my anxiety medication again. Last night was the first dose, and what followed was certainly the worst sleep I've had in a long time. Adeline and I retired at around 9:30pm (pretty cute, I know), but at 4am I found myself wide awake with aching eyes. They longed to be shut, but when I closed them my brain would fire them open. I needed to be alert, but for what reason? I do not know; I was restless. I got up and sat upright on the couch for maybe an hour, then I was finally tired enough to go back to bed.

Context

This was a tough decision to make, one that I have been wrestling with for the past week or so. It's hard to admit defeat, but I know, deep down, that that's not what this is. Forever taking an anxiety medication is never the goal when given the diagnosis. The purpose is for it to help get someone on their feet so they can build better habits and coping skills that would eventually replace the need for the medication. Anxiety medication allowed me to have the conversations I used to hesitate (and sometimes never) have. I had a growing anxiety that all my friendships were ending, and medication helped set me up to deal with and, eventually, dismiss those feelings. I felt like I didn't need it anymore.

SO WHAT HAPPEN?!?!

My social anxiety has come back, not fully to the levels of before I started taking medication last summer, but back to a point where it's interfering with my daily life and the things that I want to do. Anxiety makes me put things off, dwell on the outcomes, and trip over my tongue when I speak. It can be hard to slow down, to feel confident. As creatures of habit, it's easier to stay the same, than it is to change. While that can be seen as a demotivating statement, I like to think of it in a positive way. It was hard to stop hitting vapes, but after a couple months I felt like I'd never hit one before. I never feel the need/want to anymore. Giving in to my anxiety right now is easy because I do it all the time. It'll be very hard to change that, but after I do, it'll be easier to stay that way than going back.

What made me go back

There's a plethora of reasons as to why I went back into my old anxious ways

Quite a few of these are directly caused by the current (winter) season. Work slows down in the winter, less sunlight, etc. It's possible that I'll get on medication every winter to get by, and that's not a bad thing at all.

Thanks for reading!

I've wanted to start a blog for a while. I even considered creating a sinsta, but I like writing a lot more. It's one of those things that I think will help me with anxiety in the future. This took a lot of self reflection and focus (I'm in flow state RIGHT NOW). I hope this also improves my writing so I can get back into writing poetry and maybe even short stories (love those).